You’d Have to Shoot-up to enjoy Shoot ‘Em Up!

     I wanted the Summer to end with a BANG. It ended with a thud (or dud). Shoot ‘em up, starring Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti, opened at my local cineplex and I (like a gamer with an avid FPS habit) rushed out to see it. I anticipated 300 minus 299 men and the abs of steel.  You know; action/blood/dis-membered limbs. All the forementioned with a great cast. I’m a huge fan of Owen (Sin City/The BMW commercials) and Giamatti (Priviate Parts/and meeting him on Broadway as he appeared in The Iceman Commeth) However even talent and the green-screen couldn’t save this bullet-ridden popcorn film. The plot had more holes in it than Pacino’s final Scarface scene.

     Heres the rub: A man observes a bad situation and becomes involved in a “protect the baby” device. Not a-la Raising Arizona style (although there is a grab the baby from the street scene). No this baby is used as a shock attempt to movie-goers. Consequentially the baby has the best lines in the film. So while were along for the ride, or in most cases shoot-out set pieces, Giamatti sets out to kill the baby and the boy scout.  All this allows us to have a shoot-out in an alleyway, a shoot-out in a brothel, a shoot-out in a warehouse, (can you see where this is going?) a shoot-out while making a baby, a shoot-out while jumping from a plane, and a shoot-out in a home. O.k. there are a lot of shoot-outs.

     So most of you FPS fans like me may think, “Wow this sounds cool?” Well I’m here to tell you: if it were a game it would be. However this is a movie. So I expect plot, plausibility, and some form of respect for my movie going dollar. I would have felt more satisfied eating raw carrots. Which by the way is how our protagonist passes the time and passes away several bad-guys. I for one wish Elmer Fudd had shown up with that shotgun.

It would have fit into the script seamlessly.                            

-Carpal Out