Inaccurate Predictions FTW
by Michael Cooper
Tis’ the season for every game journalist and their dog (or cat) to make predictions about E3. Usually these predictions are well thought out, often with loads of information to back up their claims.
Naturally this makes me feel left out. I don’t have all the sources to grab inside scoops (yet), but I have decided to take it upon myself to make the most accurate predictions based upon what I already know.
10. Sonic Team and Sega announce a new Sonic game. This joke just wrote itself.
9. Microsoft admits that Community Games are just an on-going joke within the office. During lunch breaks team members compete to see who can make the worst possible game in the shortest amount of time. Currently the entire staff is tied for first.
8. With the recent announcement that Dante’s Inferno was getting a videogame adaption, EA formally announces they are also working on a videogame compilation of all of Shakespeare’s plays.
7. Worried that Guitar Hero continues to outsell the Rock Band 2 franchise Harmonix announces Rock Band: Guitar Hero Edition.
6. Capcom announces that their next retail game will be a Costume Pack. Release date unknown, but it is planned to be priced at a reasonable $60.
5. Sony announces that they have given Uwe Boll the go-ahead to produce a movie based on LittleBigPlanet.
4. Nintendo DSi Lite SP Micro Edition.
3. Peter Moore returns to Microsoft with a new Tattoo to show off. It says “Julie” in red with a white outline. And hearts. Lots of hearts.
2. Sony officially gives up. Blames Somalian Pirates.
1. Nintendo shocks everybody with their main announcement being that they will be officially helming the sequel to Build-A-Bear on the Nintendo Wii. Miyamoto walks out onto the stage dressed as a pink and white bear with a red ribbon.
BONUS!!! Microsoft and Sony both announce high-end motion control for their consoles. Nintendo smuggly states during their Press Conference, “Everything went according to plan. Both our competitors have invested time, money, and resources into a totally ridiculous concept. The world population foolishly purchased our consoles, and now we have heaps of cash. We would like to formally announce Wii Fooled You HD, our new console that has no motion control, only plays hardcore games, and displays in 2020p resolution.”