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Very Serious E3 Predictions

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Microsoft – What will Microsoft have at their press conference?  They will start by announcing some great franchises which they have bought from the PS3.  These newly multiplatform games will obviously be dumbed down in order to run on the practically stone age 360.  After diluting some once great franchises, they will announce their standard twenty to thirty first person shooters.  At least half of these will be Halo games.  Microsoft will then use bias statistics to “prove” their sales numbers are better than the PS3 in North America.  They will try to convince the press that Xbox Live is the best place to play games online, ignoring the vastly superior Home.  Microsoft will move on to their handheld console… oh wait, they don’t have one.  They will mention the Zune and someone from the crowd will shout “What’s a Zune, is it like an ipod?”  They will wrap up by handing out thousand dollar bills to everyone covering the press conference to get better reviews.

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Sony – Sony will surprise everyone by holding their press conference in Home.  Since it is almost deserted it’s the perfect place.  They will begin to describe how advanced the PS3 is compared to the Xbox 360.  This will mostly involve pointing at the Blu-Ray player and saying “that’s pretty cool you guys.”  They will then start announcing all of the upcoming Blu-Ray movies.  A quick song about how sweet Blu-Ray is and then on to the games.  A trailer will begin to play that is absolutely amazing.  The graphics will be mind blowing and the action will be astounding.   After the trailer, a quick announcement that it was all pre-rendered, and the game will be released around 2015.  Moving on to the PSP, they will assure that they have listened to what fans want and are making a brand new PSP.  “Fans were clamoring for a .02 inch bigger screen and that they love playing games with only one analog stick… I mean nub.”  The press conference will come to a sudden end when a girl avatar in Home walks up and begins to dance, only to turn into a hideous man a few seconds later.

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Nintendo – Reggie, Nintendo spokesperson, will go up and start reading out of the phone book.  When he is finished he will flip off the crowd and announce that they will still sell 2 billion Wiis and DSis this year.

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