Batman and Robin Film Review

Batman and robin head

Batman and Robin is an incredible film, it stretches our expectations of a modern superhero film, and a realistic vision of a world with vigilantes. It’s a tale of love, regret, death and loss. Each character is played effortlessly good, George Clooney gives an Oscar worthy performance as a tormented Batman, Chris O’Donnell has gone past his whiney portrayal to become a God of supporting actors. Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a chilling, dark performance as Mr Freeze, Batgirl is played nicely by… umm.. that girl, oh and Uma Therman still manages to be awesome as Poison Ivy. And some guy who plays Bane is alright.

Batman and Robin is the pinnacle of terribleness, it is so horrible that even I, the great lord of tolerance, could not get to the end of it. It’s not a comedy, it’s not a spoof, it has awful language and a worse attitude than Forever. There’s no direct point of plot, Mr Freeze is killing people, Poison Ivy wants to take over the world and it’s a bigger mess than Forever. There’s just nothing but big-budget action scenes all throughout, oh and Robin whining. There’s also Alfred’s niece she becomes Batgirl somehow but there’s not substance of ANYTHING in this movie.

Batman and robin screen 1

One liners. Nice, quirky, funny. Not in this one. Mister Freeze’s dialogue IS just endless one-liners, no direct motivation other than making up puns centered around ice. Batman has a view, and Robin is just repeating Batman’s lines, trying to sound cool. I honestly think that writing this must have been hard, trying to find all those one-liners… when you could have just written a movie. It’d be easier, better and worth it. Your were getting paid to do it anyway, so why not DO YOUR JOB! I hate to somewhat end Batweek on a less triumphant note, but this is better than ending on the 1960s Batman. God I still have nightmares (please note, I think it’s actually a good, goofy show).

Characters. People in films who give a narrative, and strong presence in putting the plot into motion. Not the characters in this movie. They’re bland, so bland they’d make you vomit, they’re not funny or charismatic and they’re not.. anything. They’re there just to blow stuff up, utter one liners and waste your time. There’s no passable notion of actual entertainment, it’s all put in your lap like “Here, look, one liners. You like?”. This movie isn’t that kid friendly or family friendly either, it’s got swears and bad language and some gore and stuff. Not for kids really.

Batman and robin screen 2

Performances? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA! If you can even call it that. George Clooney embarrassingly takes on the role as Batman, and tries his best to make the one liners sounds good. Chris O’Donnell is a whiny wonder boy, whoever plays Batgirl has the personality of meatloaf, Arnold Schwarzenegger takes it on as the best role of his life, Uma Therman just waddles around. So, who is the best actor of this movie? Who is one of the saving graces? Who is the only, shy, little gemstone underneath this river of awful? Michael Gough as Alfred. All throughout the four movies, this shy little character has played a constant ‘neat’ performance. We salute you man.

Forget watching this if you’re a Batman fan. Forget watching this if you’re a kid. Forget watching this if you’re a human being with common sense. Never. EVER. EVER. Surrender to this movie. It is so awful, that your whole life will become a void of amazement. At the sheer fact that this was made, you won’t be able to stand up in the morning, you’ll lie in bed and cry yourself to sleep at night. You’ll stop eating, sleeping, breathing and eventually… you’ll die. It’s a common death, death by Batman and Robin… well that’s what happened to me.

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