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Games That Nobody Plays Anymore: Xmas Special

Today is the day of yuletide, giving, sharing, festivities and the day that a little chap called Jesus was born. Over the centuries, humanity has adapted to a more materialistic Christmas, with more and more plastic toys being shoved into our kids’ Xmas lists. Forget the false message of Christmas that the advertisers are sending us, I want to remind you of the true holiday cheer. It is a time for giving, sharing and eating lots of meat. It is a time when manic chainsaw goons raid your trees and when your whole family joins together for the ultimate celebration of life. The answer?

Zombies.

Of course, there’s nothing more festive than a good old fashioned zombie game. It was up to me to choose the most festive of all of the offerings, that no one plays anymore. Stubbs the Zombie came close, but we may save that for another day. Today, however, is reserved for a special piece of Capcom that warmed all our hearts. It is a tale of love and commitment, one which shines and blossoms in the Christmas spirit. Resident Evil 4…. sorry I meant 5.

“That’s not Christmassy!”, I hear you beckon. But of course, you are completely and utterly wrong. You are a scrooge, you do not deserve Christmas. Christmas is about loving [killing zombies], sharing [brains] and family […brains?], I don’t see what’s not Christmassy about Resident Evil 5. In fact, the dude you play is named after the holiday itself. Chris Redfield. Christmas. See? Are you still not convinced? Well be that way, but while you are sulking and moaning on the naughty list, the good boys and girls need a good tour of Africa.

The game works almost exactly in the same way as Resident Evil 4, except Resident Evil 4 is better. There’s literally almost nothing changed, all the strange Spanish villagers are now brain dead Africans. I don’t mean to sound racist either, there’s more than a couple of white folk to keep you happy, but I can honestly see why people are offended by this. Even though most of the media blaggers have never played an honest game in one honest day of their life. I can also see why everyone else is offended, because of one giant controversy mammoth. Beckoning everyone to come and sample its wears.

The complex but necessary inventory system in Resi 4 doesn’t make a comeback, like everything else, instead we get this 3×3 grid to drop a few items in. I can tell Capcom just wanted you to fill your boots with holiday cheer/ the right items, but it is torture to have to keep swapping with your partner until you get the right combination of tools you want. It perplexes me more when armor takes up one space of the grid, it means that your very inventory takes up one space of your inventory which.. oh god my head hurts. It’s a sad day for Resident Evil 4.

Well that was useless, as usual, from everyone here at Platform Nation, we wish you a Merry Christmas and we all look forward to another year with you. We all hope you get all the presents you want, but we still hope you hold the traditions of Christmas to your chest. Because in this day and age of materialistic holidays, of crushing financial weight and depression, we can all remember that Christmas is a time for killing zombies, brains and having a good old jolly carol.

Merry Christmas.

(THANKS TO JUAN HOUTER FOR CHRISTMASSING UP THIS SPECIAL EDITION OF GAMES THAT NOBODY PLAYS ANYMORE)

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  • Every game should have that feature, 1 or 2 weeks before the next Christmas, an update should go out where every walking creature in the game wears a Santa Hat. UC2 had their Next-Gen Filter and Fat Drake, so they would probably be the first one’s to do so, if this were to happen.