Hello readers, and welcome to a new edition of Wolf News Game Reviews. For any new readers, let me begin by explaining our fair and balanced review system. First, I pay one of the poor, minority children that live near me to play whatever the newest filth, AKA “video game”, that has been released (their poor, uneducated brains are already too far gone to be affected by these so called “games”). That child then writes down what happened in the “game.” I use those notes to make my pre-formed opinion sound just a tiny bit more legitimate as I yell it to anyone that will listen.
Our review scale ranges from 5: will only slightly emotional scar your child, to 1: if your child plays this game they will grow up to be either a terrorist or a porn star… probably both.
Today’s WNGR is Mass Effect 2: Lost for the Fight (I think that is the title)
Summary: You try to save the universe from something.
Things to be offended by: There is a strip club! Are the dancers nude? Um… no, but close! There are definitely partial buttocks showing. Objectifying women is fine, but keep it in your own home!
There are possible sex scenes! Now, in all fairness (we are fair and balanced after all) if this were a movie, those sex scenes would hardly warrant a PG-13 rating. But since Mass Effect 2 is a video game it means that this will penetrate your child’s helpless little brain and scar it forever. Once your child realizes that sex exists, their path to porn star fame is set.
You can be a female commander! Need I say more?
Mass has the word ASS in it. Hidden communist messaging if I have ever seen it… and I am 65% sure I have!
Things not to be offended by: The pause menu is ok.
Our Rating: ONE! Don’t let your children near this sex simulator! If they were making this game for a more mature audience, like theoretically it was made for people 18 and over, then it might be acceptable. But we all know only small children play video games. For that reason it must be protested and banned! Write your local Wal-mart. Write your local congressman. Write the Pulitzer people and let them know you love my form of fear mongering “journalism.” Let them know that this filth called a “game” will not be tolerated!
*** This article was (obviously) meant to be funny. Whether I succeeded or not is up to you.