There are all kinds of things you may wish were attainable from the realm of video games. Sam Fisher’s famous night-vision goggles from Splinter Cell; The Lich King’s sword, Frostmourne, from Warcraft 3; or maybe just a real magic spell from a game like Dragon Age. You know, something like a lightening bolt you could hurl at your ex’s car while screaming, “I’m the freakin’ Zeus!”
I’m willing to bet that a good majority of gamers already have a mental list of several things they’d make real if they could. For instance, I just know there’s at least one person out there who desires Pokeballs to be real so much that he actually daydreams about catching all of the strange, little animals and one day becoming a master…becoming the best around.
I’m no different from anyone else that plays their fair share of games (well, except for the Pokemon guy), and that’s exactly why I made this list of the top five things I’d love to take from video games and wield in the real world. I guess I could have chosen things that would benefit the global economy, promote world peace or in some way make the earth a better place…but instead I came up with five things that I’d probably just end up abusing until I was shot at by a group of concerned mothers.
Rechargeable Energy Shield Armor
WHAT GAME IT’S FROM:
Mass Effect 2
WHY I PICKED IT: The number one thing you have to think about if you’re given the chance to snag five things from games is how you’re going to survive when you get back to the real world.
For example, if the first thing you do is grab whips, chains, missiles and Uzi’s then you’re screwed when you:
a.) Run out of ammo (this is the real world you’re taking these things into, after all)
b.) Discover the army, militia, police, NRA, gang members, church followers and the entire force of syrup-loving Canadian Mounties are coming to roll your face till the end of time since you’ve spent the last nine hours beating and shooting everything in site.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t pick weapons, I’m just saying I wouldn’t pick them first. I want to know that if I’m going on a real life mission with low survival, like the crew of the Normandy in Mass Effect, that I’ve at least got a good chance of survival packed away in my gym bag next to my DVD copy of Pootie Tang and Hello Kittie boxer-briefs.
The first thing I’m picking, then, is the armor and shields worn by the likes of Shepard in Mass Effect. I could have picked health potions from something like Fable, or even a Mech suit from the Mech Warrior PC games, and both would have offered me protection and made me at least a tad more likely to survive the kind of crime-busting shenanigans I’d surely undertake.
But, I know me and I’m no professional hit man or gunslinger of any kind. In the face of real gun fire and looming danger I think the last thing I’d be able to do is try and time the best point in which I should swallow a health potion. Also, I know how clumsy I am with everything even remotely breakable. In fact, I’d say the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field in the Millennium Falcon are nothing compared to the odds of me NOT breaking something made of glass during a battle scene I’m a part of.
As for the Mech unit idea, well I didn’t choose one because of their limited mobility and lack of ability to blend in with their surroundings. Mechs are hundred story walking tanks that stick out like a sore thumb no matter how you dress them up. If the Obama guy got on his red nuclear-themed phone and ordered atom bomb hax to swarm my Mech’s ass then an escape attempt would be just as pointless as a professional athlete running from the cops in his white, Ford Bronco
I chose the armor from Mass Effect 2 because it is presumably light, multi-weather ready, multi-atmospheric ready, and most importantly largely bulletproof. It would cover me from crotch to crown, in other words, and the protection would put my mind at ease while I went about the country side putting my boot up terrorist backsides. And, even if the “suit hit the fan” in a given terrorist/evildoer situation, and a barrage of enemy fire lowered my health quicker than a falling French guillotine, I’d still be just peachy and in no immediate danger of dying. I’d just have to run and duck behind all the crates that always seem to be located around a bad guy’s lair, then wait a few seconds till the suit regenerated both my own health and its shields.
That’s right…I’m looking at you, cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. Even if during our final battle you manage to use your arsenal of poor grammar, Jaeger bombs and tanning-cream Molotov cocktails to somehow get through my futuristic suit of armor, I’d just duck and hide behind one of your egos, wait till my health bar was at full, then resume the righteous ass kicking you know you’re all entitled to.
On top of being able to brush off grenade, rocket and fail explosions like they were just dirt on my shoulder, the suit, which I’d specifically pick from Shepard’s private quarters on the Normandy, would also add +10 to overall health and +5 to pickup skills on Chatroulette
WHAT GAME IT’S FROM:
Super Mario Bros. 3
WHY I PICKED IT: I know what you’re probably thinking…”How can you go from talking about looking cool in a sci-fi suit to adding a raccoon tail and ears to your butt and head?!”
Well, while you were asking me that I just ran, charged up my “P” meter, and flew off over your heads to collect some gold coins in the clouds. Don’t hate on me and my ‘coon ears, kids. Remember, I’m way the hell up in the sky now and I happen to possess an uncanny aim when it comes to long distance spitting.
If you think about it, though, you’ll probably see the choice to take the Feather Power-up into the real world is one of the most awesome things you could ever hope to do. Sure, you can’t fly like a stereotypical superhero, but you can sure jump tall buildings with a single bound. You can also jump off of any place on earth, regardless of the height, and slowly glide down to the surface.
Not good enough for you? Well, let’s say you’re on an airplane and it’s just been taken over by either entrepreneurial Crypt gang members or Russian dental hygienists. You don’t have your blue-steel, explosive arsenal with you due to a random bag-checking cur at Lambert Airport, so what are you gonna do?
Simple: Pull out your magic yellow feather and punch it Mario and Luigi style. Instantly, you’ve got ears a hardcore anime fan would fall in love with, and a tail that gets you free admittance to any zoo in the known universe.
Now that you’ve got your bio-boost you sneak up behind one of the terrorists/hygienists, wait for him to report his status on the walkie as ‘all clear,’ and then quickly twist your body around, doing a full 360 degree rotation in the blink of an eye. The motion whips your brown and black striped tail across the enemy’s groin, taking all the wind from him as well as the ability to ever father children.
You not only knocked the SOB out cold, but you did so while only making a quick, 8bit whirling sound – easily drowned out by the airliner’s jet engines. You continue on down the plane’s narrow aisles, and again and again use your quiet, rodent-rear appendage to knock out all the bastards that hijacked the plane without having to fire a single bullet.
We know Mario used the tail to knock over colossal turtles and walking mushrooms, so I think it’s safe to assume that the blunt force of the tail colliding with an enemy human is the same as a kick by Jean Claude Van Damme coming at you from outer space.
Additionally, the Feather Power-up would add a delightful sense of confusion to any major battle you got yourself into. Nothing would be more dumbfounding, awe inspiring and likely to cause shameful diarrhea than the sight of a futuristic soldier leaping over a Middle Eastern war zone, 100 feet in the air, and propelling himself by what appeared to be skin grafted raccoon body parts.
The BFG 9000
WHAT GAME IT’S FROM:
WHY I PICKED IT: The choice to select a video game gun and/or projectile weapon was immensely difficult to do, but ultimately I just had to chose the BFG 9000. The gun was the first video game weapon I remember firing that actually caused me to giggle like a school girl at a nude beach. I literally grinned like the devil himself when I saw this beast of a gun pop into my hands for the first time.
It wasn’t only for nostalgia’s sake that I picked it, though. That would be sweet and emo of me, to be sure, but my goal for choosing anything on this list was to select things that would help me become the worlds biggest and baddest demigod of all things cool. Because this is true I had to ditch the romanticized weapon selection mentality and just pick a gun that could fry the stink off a bum and the tusks off a walrus. The BFG 9000 delivers such qualities by the boatload.
And what, exactly, does it give to my potential enemies? How about plasma powered bolts of FTW that could liquefy, disintegrate and vaporize any human, beast or demon in one brilliant pull of the trigger. Yes, you heard me right, Mary Sue – this mighty stallion of a sidearm isn’t limited to just melting the faces off of children and puppies, but it can also send devil spawn back to their Satan-sucking mothers without so much as a blinking hesitation.
Yes, it has a slow rate of fire compared to hundreds of other guns out there; but even the fastest firing weapon you could find would pale in comparison to a gun that can level everything in front of it for over a mile. Those unlucky enough to die from a BFG blast would experience a feeling that scientists feel is equal with having a red super nova explode inside your colon for all eternity.
Yes, the gun is bulky, heavy and doesn’t fit nicely under any of my hoodies; but the BFG is not a gun that enjoys being concealed. It hates Scarface’s “lil friend,” and it hates James Bond and Sam Fisher’s pellet guns too. It also hates anyone who tries to hold it on its side, ‘like a gangsta,’ and if you try to put it under your pillow at night it will eat your heart out while you dream. In fact the only two things the BFG actually enjoys in life are killing things dead and the recordings of Lady Gaga.
The point is the BFG is the most badass gun you could ever hope to get your hands on, bar none; and I say this for one simple reason: Contrary to popular belief, the BFG 9000 doesn’t just shoot bolts of energy like your grandmother’s pussy plasma rifle – instead it unleashes the mighty hammer of Thor from the tip of its barrel and sends it on a holy mission of smiting that always ends in terror and babies tears. Amen.
The Master Sword
WHAT GAME IS IT FROM:
The Legend of Zelda
WHY I PICKED IT: The only thing scarier than seeing me hold a BFG in my joyous little hands would be seeing me wield a sword of any kind. This is a well known fact since everyone knows that while guns are capable of killing from a further distance and in much quicker succession than any other man-made weapon, it’s still very hard to use a gun when your body has been chopped into chunks of man meat by a mother-licking sword.
The choice of sword here was actually very difficult to make, and it came down to two finalists: Link’s Master Sword and Cloud’s sword from Final Fantasy VII. In the end I decided to roll with the elders, Link and Zelda, and I symbolically raised the infamous, legendary and most powerful sword in all of Hyrule above my head in a display of nerdiness that actually made future generations of children weep with sorrow for all mankind.
Ignoring the cry babies, I honestly felt the sword was one of the best choices of any video game item or ability to bring back into the real world. I thought about Kronos’ blades of fate, aka dual, serrated blades of rage spinning around in a whirlwind of blood and sex, and etched right out of Greek mythology. However, I decided that I completely lacked the hand-eye coordination required to swing not just one, but two enormous blades above and around my body as quickly as possible.
In addition to rejecting Cloud’s sword I also turned down all the other swords from the later Final Fantasy series. The main reason I turned them down was simply because of their ENORMOUS sizes. I know in this fantasy I’ve created for myself I’m already wearing a sci-fi shield suit, the tail and ears of a raccoon, and carrying around a big freaking gun that can make dolphins cry, but I just can’t seem to get into the idea of an eight foot sword being the best choice for me to make.
An eight foot sword would have to weigh at least the same as North Dakota, and trying to imagine physically swinging something that heavy just makes my muscles faint from shock. Even if the Final Fantasy swords were made from some material we don’t have in the real world (and are thus lighter than all known swords), it doesn’t change the fact that the blades are still taller than every single NBA star. The swords are so long, in fact, that in any normal dimensioned room the odds are greater than good that you wouldn’t even be able to swing one fully over your head or all the way around your body. Which means anyone could probably have beaten Cloud and all the other Final Fantasy heroes, just as long as they were lured into an average New York City apartment building.
The Master Sword, however, is just the right length and size. In fact if you’re still having problems with the bulkiness of the BFG, then rest easy because I’ve now got a somewhat better weapon to conceal if need be. Though, if I ever got my hands on the Master Sword the last thing on this earth I’d do is hide it like it was a pair of stained underwear or a Greatest Hits of Ace of Bass CD.
The sword in the Super NES version, Link to the Past, was the equivalent of using a cheat code the first time you got your hands on it. In the Nintendo 64 game, Ocarina of Time, it was the sword Adult Link used to cut all kinds of baddie body parts into Epona meal mix. In the N64 version it was just used for slicing and dicing; however, anyone who remembers the SNES version can tell you that, just like in the original Legend of Zelda games, the sword possesses the ability to shoot holy-hellish bolts of light at its enemies as long as you were at full health. Of course in any Zelda game it’s hard to stay or even get to full health at times, so the shooting ability wasn’t one that Link grew all too familiar with, I’m sure.
But, as everyone here is fully aware, I’m not Link, and this isn’t Hyrule, and the only princess I know of is that Diana person. The possibilities for when I’d wield the Master Sword are wholly different, then. For instance, I have the Mass Effect suit which optimizes my health on a regular basis…meaning I have no need for finding lakes occupied by tiny fairies just to get my flame-throwing blade up and running. In fact, I’d be able to shoot smoking hot balls of golden pain almost 24/7 should I so wish; and yes, in fact I do. The Master Sword, essentially, would be like a gun that could cut through aluminum cans and dice a person up like veggies if they got too close. Basically, it dares you to be far away, close up, or anywhere that it could even smell your fear.
It also specializes in cutting down beings who are possessed with great evil, despite whatever magic serves them; and while I don’t expect to run into a bunch of possessed, magical ruffian types in my real world quests, I do expect to run into some generally evil and wicked people. And even though I have no idea what the sword bases its ideas about morality on, but I have to think that no matter what world you live in sometimes you just know evil pieces of trash when you see them. Mainly, those in this world that play alliance on World of Warcraft.
Solid Snake’s Bandanna
WHAT GAME IT’S FROM:
Metal Gear Solid
WHY I PICKED IT:
Well, I’m assuming here that the bandanna can do in the real world what it could do in the Playstation One world, and that is give the wearer unlimited ammo.
I mean, sure, having Solid Snake’s trademark headband would be cool and all, even if it didn’t do anything special; but when thinking up items on my list this was actually the very first one that popped into my head. A simple, lightweight piece of cloth that can make your guns run free with the power of bullets like water from a fountain. No more would Hollywood have a monopoly over guns able to hold infinite bullets as I would be able to pick up an old fashioned six shooter and without reloading kill everyone in the entire world. That’s just awesome, admit it.
And, since my gun of choice is the BFG it would be nice to have a gun that didn’t need reloading…especially since the ammo for said gun doesn’t and probably never will exist. The only way that any science-fiction weapon from a video game could work in this world is if the owner possessed the almighty headband of the last cigarette smoking warrior. This pick, then, is not just a smart one but a necessity if you want to wield the antigravity gun from Half-Life 2, the rail gun from Perfect Dark, or even the golden gun from Goldeneye.
Only other thing to say about the headband is that headbands in general are great fashion statements…if you’re a pirate, Rambo, or Liza Minnelli. But for everyone else they’re just weird, strange things that really serve no logical purpose. I mean is sweat pouring into your eyes while on an act of espionage really a big worry factor for a lot of spies?
Anyway, the headband is needed if I want to continue having fun with my big gun, but would also be infinitely useful when any form of firearm became available. Sure I may feel like a confused 1930’s swashbuckling movie star while I wear it…but then again I’ve already got raccoon ears coming out of my head, so who the hell really cares?
The one thing I’m unsure about, though, is if I’d have to actually try and steal the bandanna from Solid Snake himself in order to get it back to this world. I mean I know I have my suit, gun and sword, but we’re talking about a guy that has fought nine dozen robots that have all been over a million feet tall. He spits out henchmen like sunflower seeds, he eats through mini-bosses like a fat kid in a Crisco plant, and he is just coldhearted enough that he’s been able to kill his own brother, father, clone, and any random nuns that get in his SOCOM’s way. The guy has fought a cybernetic ninja for crying out loud. If you even say the words ‘cybernetic ninja’ too loud one will find and decapitate your mother while she’s hugging you. Solid Snake paid that crap no mind, though, and tied his luxurious hair up out of his eyes with his trusty bandanna, and proceeded to lay waste to all things organic and in organic with zero mercy.
Point being that if I have to collect all the items I’ve listed above then this last one may be near impossible to gather. Even the mean, little BFG would piss itself when stared down by the master of tactical espionage action, and I’m pretty sure the Master Sword would just deflate rather than try and cut through the chiseled jaw of Solid Snake. My only hope is to try and find him after the ending of MGS IV where he’s like 3,000 years old and hope to the almighty that he can’t swing his oxygen tank, or else I’ll be dead before his colostomy bag is full. I would still be willing to try, of course, but then again when I say ‘try’ I don’t mean ‘fight’ so much as I mean ‘wet myself profusely while bleeding from the anus.’
That’s why the headband is so great, so powerful, and yet would be so deadly to try and actually steal from a man that was biologically engineered from pieces of a Cold War hero and genetic victory. The challenge is there, though, and so I must be too. I’ll have to don my bravest face, hone my sword and gun fighting skills, and get my raccoon tail into its proper place so I can practice leaping around in the air while sobbing with fear. But, eventually, I’ll be coming for you, Snake.
You hear me, Snake?
That about does it for me, but if you have your own list or even if you just have individual items/abilities/weapons you’d most like to take from the gaming world then write about them in the comments section below as I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Leave your comments below!