Epic Fail

A couple times a month I hear the faint screams of my favorite gaming magazines being folded and mutilated so as not to escape my tattered and beaten rural mail box.  I gently retrieve it and remove the outer wrap, shake loose the misc subscription cards, and turn to my favorite section; Game Reviews.  You might think I would be hungrily looking for the latest info about this months hottest game, but no.  Alas, there will be time for that later.  I skim the pages, searching.  There it is.  The lowest scored game review.

Admit it or don’t – you’ve done it.  You’ve pulled out a witty one-liner from a review somewhere and put it to use dissing a game to your friends.  The problem is that very few “This Game Is Great!” (read “Fanboy”) reviews stick in my memory and it’s not unusual for most games to fair a decent score of seven (out of ten) or above.  It takes a special brand of suck to be rated four or below.  Did the developer just not have time to actually play their game before releasing it to be scrutinized by reviewers?  Of course, some of the failure can be in the eye of the beholder, but it doesn’t make the scathing reviews any less entertaining for me.

Here are some excerpts from my favorite Epic Fail reviews.

“Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d encounter a game so thoroughly terrible.  Where do I even start?  The racial stereotypes?  The positively broken controls?  The revolting art design?  Ready 2 Rumble sucks in every conceivable way.”
“It’s like Satan is beta testing Ready 2 Rumble: Revolution on Earth for its prolonged tenure in hell.”
Ready 2 Rumble: Revolution reviewed by GameInformer – September 2009

“A Game That Makes Almost Every Game Before It Look Better”
“Rogue Warrior does nothing right.  Even male genitalia references are handled poorly, making you think protagonist Dick Marcinko is hitting on the enemy rather than taunting them.  With the gunplay being as bad as it is, and the story coming across as a six-year-old’s interpretation of Cold War events, the only fun comes from the possibility of stepping into the shoes of blatantly homoerotic Rambo.”
Rogue Warrior review by GameInformer – December 2009

“Even Worse than What You’ve Come to Expect from Licensed Games”
“My G.I. Joe collection includes a handful of losers–figures that I bought for a specific weapon, or who came free with a vehicle.  Even the lamest of these cast-off chumps (like Tollbooth and Skidmark) are less of an insult to G.I. Joe’s good name than this vaguely game-like disaster.”
G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra review by GameInformer – September 2009

Even gaming hardware cannot escape the wrath of the Epic Fail review.

“Though we’re not even sure what real need this product serves, what matters is that it utterly fails to do what it sets out to do.”
Nyco SpeakerCom 360 reviewed by Official Xbox Magazine – May 2010

I know there are many games out there worthy of an editorial ass-kicking.  Which reviews stick in your mind?  If you have one that you remember, or have come across recently, please post it below.

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