“Here is Isshn’s Menu, Sir. Please Choose A Starter.”

Before I throw up all over the table and get kicked out, let me just say, about a year ago I still adored Pokemon. I’ve spent countless hours captivated by the adventures created by Gamefreak, most of my childhood was spent training these 8-bit pixels up and they still remain as classics in my memory. However, recently the most obvious and commonly occurring critical attack just hit me. And it was how they say, Super-Effective. While I was playing through the ‘latest’ iteration, Pokémon Soul Silver, I realised something of a similar nature others have been proclaiming for years and years : “Isn’t this the same game I played 10 years ago?”. Granted, its a remake, however as I pondered and contemplated the idea, I saw barely any new dramatic changes to the series since the original Pokémon Silver; suddenly, the games stopped being fun, lengthy engrossing adventures and soon turned into monotonous and uninspired tasks, which as a result I began to see the faults underneath the tinted glass.

One of these faults being the new Pokemon, every single one of the original 251 Pokémon are unique in their own distinctive way, as Generation 3 & 4 came about though, this became lost, but not ruined. I was fairly happy with the current 493 and didn’t need to be ‘treated’ with an extra bunch of collectibles. Then came the images. No, I’m talking about Zorua & Zoroark, they’re okay, but in comparison to the new starter Pokémon unveiled, they look like Jesus and Mother Flippin’ Teresa, so for the next three paragraphs, these Pokemon are my bitches and they’re going down, one-by-one.

Tsutaja: Probably the most ‘acceptable’ out of the three, Tsutaja is a Grass Snake Pokémon. I’m presuming this is because its arms are like chewing wrappers and owns bananas for legs, which somewhat ruins the design. I don’t think it’s ideal to start off with a Pokémon that has almost non-existent legs, assuming the player doesn’t rip his eye sockets out when he first lays eyes on the three.

Pokebu: I honestly think this Pokémon was created for comedy purposes (not any different from the other two then), there’s so many names it can be called, Piglit, Twiglet, Hot Babe, if Gamefreak don’t choose any of these I’ll genuinely burn down their office. As for the Pokémon itself, it looks like Charmander, Pikachu and Spoink had a deformed child.

Mijumaru: What? Why? How? Someone please tell me this is a joke, it’s as bad as my simile making skills. I don’t even know how to hate this, even when it’s crying I think of dying children. I’ve loved every water starter so far, Squirtle is badass, Totodile remains to be one of the best Pokémon ever created, Mudkip is well, everybody lieks Mudkipz, and Piplup is a freakin’ penguin. Am I really expected to choose this, seriously? Nobody would want this, unless you need something to make puppies run in fear because they keep pissing on your lawn, although if I’m lucky they’ll tear it to shreds. Whoever thought of this monster should be fired, it’s meant to be an Otter, but I’d say it’s more of a Beaver.

And that’s it, I appreciate that some people like these new Pokémon, but some people are also Pokémon fanboys. Personally, I don’t hate Pokémon now, but if you compare these to Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle, it shows something. Gamefreak seem to have this attitude that if they keep everything the same but put some new Pokémon in it, everything will be okay. However, if choosing your starter Pokemon is going to be like choosing your favourite Ricky Gervais movie, then Gamefreak have got nothin’. So in answer to your question waiter, I think I’ll leave early, but I’ll give you a tip; stop creating new ‘meat’ and just focus on your service.

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