This week on C.v.C. we have a battle for the ages. A brutal confrontation that is so epically metal, that your bones will be rocked loose. This is the final confrontation between Brutal Legend’s Eddie Riggs, and Guitar Hero stalwart Johnny Napalm.
Eddie Riggs – The greatest roadie of all ages. Eddie Riggs talent was wasted on tween pop sensation Kabbage Boy. When trying to save one of these kids from certain death, Eddie Riggs is killed, and then transported to a world of living metal, that the Gods of Rock fashioned out of Music. After meeting Ophelia, he was then taken to Lita and Lars to save the land from the evil Emperor Doviculus. It was only after discovering the power to become a demon himself was he able to save the day in spectacular fashion. Eddie Riggs lives his life spreading the power of rock across the land, doing shows for his adoring fans.
Johnny Napalm – A troubled youth, Johnny Napalm never tried very hard at life. He picked up a guitar at age 19, and never looked back. Never taking a lesson, Napalm’s talent is raw and natural. He has been seen playing in mostly cover bands having the talent, but not the ambition, to take off on his own. With a style all his own, Napalm is everything that is wrong, and right with the world of punk music.
Clementine: Eddie’s own personal guitar. Capable of everything from melting faces with brutal solos, to Hindenburg crashing metal riffs.
The Separator: Eddies other ax. A 4 foot long, razor sharp battle-ax known for splitting demon heads or commanding a fan army.
Druid plow (A.K.A. The Deuce) – a vehicle from the imagination of metal’s most powerful Gods. Made for getting from A to B in style, while making sure nothing gets in its way. Optional cow catcher and custom paint jobs give it that extra flair.
Star power: A guitar hero’s best friend. Originally used to amplify his rock, Johnny Napalm has been known to use his star power to save himself from certain defeat. Limited in supply, but a life saver.
Mohawk mods: Originally an aesthetic choice, Napalm has recently employed famed hair stylist and German weapons engineer, Bronze Brunesz, to calculate a hair gel with devastating hold. Once applied to Napalm’s signature hawk, it is capable of running a man through without a hair getting out of place. Other mods include the more traditional style: the Saw-hawk.
Multiplication: Johnny Napalm’s little known ability to not only play any instrument in a band, but to literally be every member of the band has given him a huge advantage when it comes to main stream exposure. This ability along with the modded mohawks allowed him to rule the mosh pits throughout the late 80’s and most of the 90’s.
Throw your Horns up. This one’s for Dio.
Eddie Riggs woke up after a night of French kissing with his number one fan, Ophelia. Realizing the time, he shoots out of bed, and heads for the show he is already late for. Metal waits for no man. Barely having time to grab his trusty guitar, Clementine, Eddie jumps in his Druid Plow, and heads for Head-Banger Hall, the arena erected in his honor by the Gods of Metal.
Speeding towards his destination, Eddie begins to hear the sweet cheers of his adoring fans. This sound is met by another sound that chills him to his brutal bones. The sound of Top 40 pop/rock is blaring out his arena’s sound system. Not even taking time to park, Eddie drives through the parking lot gates, and into the arena as he see the stage being occupied by 5 similarly dressed men. Rags and spiked mohawks, torn blue jean vests, and arms so thin he swore they were bone. It’s only after driving his Plow through the crowd, launching fans 7 ways from Sunday, does Eddie see that these 5 men are not similar. They are the same. Five identical punk rock posers. Eddie’s car hits the stage with a powerful thud as Eddie launches himself to the stage, demanding answers from his party crashers. The lead guitarist says nothing but instead strikes a power chord so dirty it takes Eddie off his feet. The 4 other band members leap towards Eddie and begin attacking, all while the guitarist strums his power chords. Pain shoots through Eddie’s arms and legs as their spiked bracelets and junkie fueled rages begin to bite and stab. The 4 band mates begin to struggle with Eddie, stretching his arms wide for all the fans to see their hero fall. Words begin to come to Eddie, but before he speaks, 2 green spikes shoot through his chest. Eddie falls silent as the spikes disappear and the guitarist head and face are covered in Eddie’s blood. With a grin of less-than-a-full-set of teeth, the guitarist kicks Eddie off the stage into the mosh pit where fans swarm to him at once. The guitarist grabs the mic to declare that metal is dead courtesy of the Johnny Napalm 5! He then drops the mic, and there is a deafening silence that is then broken by the most metal guitar riff ever. The Johnny Napalm 5 turn to see an impossible sight. A terrible winged creature ascends from the mosh pit like the devil into Georgia. The demon Eddie Riggs hovers there, wings beating, playing riff after riff, and then shreds out a face-melting guitar solo. Four of the band-member’s faces melt away immediately, and then crumple into a gooey mess. The guitarists was only able to save himself with some superbly timed star power, tightening the muscles in his face.
Demon Riggs, now 30 feet above the stage, begins a hawk’s dive, taking the would-be guitar hero off guard. Demon Riggs hits the stage, knees 1st, culminating in a power slide for the ages. Another solo leaps from the demon’s guitar and a pack of wild animals storm the remaining guitarist. A smile creeps across the demon’s lips as the wild animals hold Napalm limb-to-limb in the same way the band mates of the Johnny Napalm 5 held Eddie in their final moments. Eddie takes a deep breath as he drops his guitar and pulls his Separator ax out of thin air. It was a short run before the crowd heard the thunk of the ax cleaving the neck of the final Johnny Napalm. Demon Riggs’ demon persona melts away to become Eddie once again as he takes a heavy breath. All while the capacity crowd all yells in unison, “Decapitation!”
On this day, Top 40 tried to kill the metal, and it was stricken down to the ground.