Absurdly-Named Characters, Volume 1

Out there in the video game universe, there exists a game that contains four of the ten most absurdly-named characters ever. It is not simply the name that qualifies these unfortunate souls for infamy, however; one must also recognize that they are animals wearing clothing that was in style…never.

The game I speak of is, of course, Peggle. Peggle? What the f*** is a Peggle? I don’t know, you don’t know, and the people who made the game don’t know. I’ll tell you what I do know—bacon goes with everything, the things “better off left unsaid” are infinitely funnier if said, and Jimmy Lightning is no name for a gopher (hamster?). Before we continue, I want you to say, “Jimmy Lightning,” three times.

Jimmy Lightning is your quintessential, All-American, skateboard-riding gerbil (groundhog?). He thoroughly enjoys playing the guitar, making radical comments, and participating in the Special Olympics. What makes him so special is not the fact his skateboard matches his textbook safety equipment, but even as a prime candidate for diabetes he still manages to maneuver down a narrow dirt road and work for a video game publisher.

We could all learn something from Jimmy, or should I say, James Lightning. Cursed with a name that would make a boy named Sue cringe, he has risen to minor stardom in the world of Xbox Live Arcade-dom. Here’s to you, James; best of luck replacing Wilford Brimley.

Extra credit: Guess what kind of creatures Renfield, Warren, Splork, and Lord Cinderbottom are? If you get them all right, I know you cheated.

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  • Nick Garcia

    Rash, Zits, Pimple, General Slaughter, Robo-Manus, Professor T. Bird, and the infamous Big Blag. Sir, as far as absurd naming conventions go, Rare matches (exceeds?) your Peggle’s convention with Battletoads. As far as games go, I doubt there’s another game with such an intimidating collection of names. I dare anyone to prove otherwise.

  • Sarah McMahon

    What makes this article pure gold is not the fact that by the end we as the audience are howling in laughter at the likes of James Lightning’s unknown rodent origin. Instead, we look on in appreciation as the author dissects everything wrong about this character – the name, the ironic weight to athletic ability ratio, the ‘stylish’ clothes – and offers it up, wrapped in tongue-in-cheek cynicism that make the Peggle a truly memorable creature indeed.

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