As I was surfing the web last Tuesday (I like to be specific), I stumbled upon a game that was released, and probably last played, in 1984. I don’t quite know how to put this, so I’ll just say it…the title of the game is Nuts & Milk. Don’t ask how I found it.
I know, I know! I am thinking the exact same thing you are right now—“How did that name slip past everyone who worked at Hudson Soft?” At this point I was alarmingly interested in finding out two things: Is this game real, and can I play it?
My fingers trembled as I typed ‘Nuts & Milk’ into the Google search bar. My mind was racing; nothing can prepare you for the thrill of searching the Internet for such an obvious double entendre. After waiting the longest .24 seconds of my life, a sigh of relief escaped me as the second search result read, “Nuts & Milk – Play the Nintendo game Nuts & Milk online.”
A swift click and half-decent 8-bit intro music later, I was into the first level. The play style and graphics immediately struck me as Donkey Kong-esque, but I was really having trouble comprehending the storyline. Where were the Nuts? Where was the Milk? I hadn’t been gripped by such frustration since trying to throw a Wii Frisbee.
I could only rationalize the storyline this way: I was a pink Nut trying to collect fruit for Pac-Man (that greedy bastard didn’t get enough the first time around) while being chased by a T-virus infected zombie Nut that didn’t make the final version of Resident Evil. After obtaining said fruit, a feminine-looking fellow pink Nut kicks down the door of the perilously-perched house and speech-bubbles, “HelP!” at me, expecting a Nut with no discernible arms to climb up and rescue her, all the while avoiding a deadly sea of Milk.
A second Google search reveals how grossly incorrect I was. I was Milk, the zombie was Nuts, and that hot girl blob is my fiancée! My dreams crushed, I could only tolerate 3 more levels before all 8-bits of music forced me to alt+f4 out of there.
All-in-all, my brief foray into lost and obscure gaming was a screaming success. Bottom line: This is the most fun you can have with nuts and milk with your clothes on.