[Games That Nobody Plays Anymore is a weekly series written by Nathan Hardisty with a little title card help from Juan Houter. It’s an on-going series about the forgotten games of yesteryear, and doesn’t totally reflect the title. Remember; nobody stops playing these games; it’s just a title. Don’t make something of it or I will come down to your house and ask you politely to stop. If you have any suggestions for future titles to ‘GTNPA’ don’t forget to leave me a comment!]
You got a problem with this? More than likely you’ll skip the whole above paragraph and comment “BUT PEOPLE STILL PLAY PONG.”, well here’s where I come in. Nobody plays Pong anymore, nobody, and if you do then get a life. You saddo. I am using way too much sarcasm here, but honestly, stop complaining about ‘Games That Blah Blah people still play it’. I am sick to death of the comments, so if we can all just move along and talk about the actual game in question, then I’m sure we can have a nice well rounded discussion.
So, Pong? I said last week I’d do something World Cup themed and then I remembered I don’t do annual sports titles for GTNPA because they’re generally all the same. I’m not dismissing every franchise out there, but generally, they’re just way too familiar. I don’t know if I’ve contradicted myself with Rockstar’s Table Tennis, since the Wii version released last year, so we’ll have to wait and see. So, football. Soccer. Kick the ball in a goal. Zelda. Wind Waker. Call of Duty. Mirror’s Edge. I’m just being completely random, in fact, this is the greatest GTNPA ever.
I’ve challenged myself to write over 800 words about Pong. I’m planning to use it for the basis of two of my future gigantic whimsical essays, but for now, let’s talk game. No, wait, let’s just put more words to draw this all out. I’m a goblin, who lives under your bed and takes all the games away that you don’t play anymore. That little laughter or little whisper of a giggle you hear every so often? Me. So, one of you lot decided to stop playing Pong. Actually, quite a lot of you stopped playing it a long time? But why? It’s the best game ever made in the whole of existence.
Pong is about hitting a small ball/ square/ thing back and forth between two thin oblongs. You control one of these oblongs, and you can only move up and down to deflect the ball from getting behind you. You score a point for everytime you score against your opponent. Depending on which version of Pong you play, you could need 10 points to win the match or over one million. I wonder if that’s ever actually been done, I’m pretty sure there was once an arcade version of Pong which had an ‘Unlimited Mode’, and the game broke once you reached 10,000 points.
Why am I having a satire this week? I don’t know. Maybe I’m still sore that England are out of the World Cup, or maybe I just feel sorry for myself because I am such a horrible writer. Horrible, horrible writer. I can’t even manage over 800 words on a game about hitting a ball back and forth! Football commentators do it all the time, so why can’t I? If you want to pick up this amazing game, and experience its breathtaking story and characters (namely Player One and Player Two or Computer One or Computer Two), then simply type ‘Pong Flash’ into Google.
And… that’s it. I think I’ve actually managed to write over 800 words on a videogame based around hitting a ball back and forth. I can’t actually imagine if this would be the same if I wrote one on FIFA (insert year here) or Madden (insert year here). Maybe it would be just an added “And all the players look authentic.”, as you can already tell, I have zero interest in Sport. I do support England in football, but I’m not a devotee to the whole ‘kicky the ball’. In fact, I find it quite pointless. Why watch a few millionaires run around a pitch when you can just Google ‘Pong Flash’ and play the game in all its glory.
Next Week: It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum… and I’m all out of other games to not play.