Character Vs. Character: Kirby Vs. Pac Man

This week’s battle brings two of gaming’s biggest, major-league eaters together in a battle for the IFOCE Championship Title. This ain’t no ordinary character battle. No siree! There is no blood-bath filled fight to the death. There isn’t even any feces like last week’s battle (all though I’m sure there will be plenty later on…). This week’s battle pits the yellow pizza-pie, Pac Man against the pink marshmallow, Kirby in a battle for the World’s Heavy-weight Eating Champion!

Pac man: Pac Man is the grand-daddy of gaming icons. He’s been around longer than most gamers and still stands as one of the most recognized video game characters ever. He hails from the land of Godzilla and has the same sized appetite to boot. He spends most of his time running around in mazes and eating pellets and fruit. His arch enemies are the notorious ghosts, Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde who always try to ruin his day. The only problem is you can’t hold Pac man down for long!

Kirby: Kirby is a resident of Dream Land on the planet, Pop Star. He has captured the hearts of fans around the globe with his pink ball cuteness. But don’t let his appearance fool you. He is as fierce of a competitor as any warrior. Just ask the other guys from Smash Brothers.

Pac Man: His only real powers are the his insatiable appetite. He just eats and eats and eats…

Kirby: Same deal. He loves eating, especially from the enemy menu. The only difference is that kirby can obtain the abilities and features of the enemies that he eats.

“Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the IFOCE, International Federation of Competitive Eating! Throughout the past week, we have watched as numerous speed eaters have come and gone. Many great warriors have fallen battling it out for the championship title. Now only two are left! Please give a round of applause to our IFOCE finalists. On my right, our returning champion for the last 10 years, Pac Man!!! And to my left, our new challenger, Kirby!!!”

The crowd cheers on as our two competitors enter the stage. Pac Man speeds out in typical fashion with his hands waving in the air. Kirby bounces out from the opposite side of the stage with a big grin plastered to his face. They meet in the middle standing on either side of the announcer, all the while Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat It” is playing in the background.

“Gentlemen, anything goes in this fight for the food. When it is all over only one of you can be the IFOCE Champion. Please, go to your tables.”

Pac Man gives Kirby a cocky grin and spins around to dash to his table. Kirby, still smiling himself,  just bounces off to his table, as carefree as a butterfly. When they get to their tables, the announcer starts in again, “Pac Man! Kirby! Your first food that you will be eating is cherries. On your mark… Get set… GO!!!!!”

On “GO”, a mountain of cherries drops out of the ceiling landing on the tables in front of our heroes. Pac Man jumps into action knowing he’s got this one in the bag, after all, cherries are one of his specialties. He spins like a top smacking the cherries with his hands, lining them up in a nice row. He then starts his patented run and eat technique, gobbling the cherries like there’s no tomorrow. Meanwhile Kirby just stands at his table with his cute grin looking all innocent. In the blink of an eye though, He attacks his cherries with one giant vacuum sucking motion. With the snap of a finger they are all gone. Pac Man just about chokes as he witnesses this awesome suckage from Kirby. Damn, he thinks, I’m going to have to step it up a notch if I’m going to keep my title.

To Pac Man’s dismay, the challenges keep going the same way. No matter what the food, be it hot dogs, pies, or pizza, Kirby always seems to get the upper hand on Pac Man. As the end of the competition nears, Pac Man really starts to panic. There’s only a few more challenges left and he has yet to beat this little, pink, powder puff. Slowly, he starts to devise a plan to take out Kirby.

During the last break before the final competition, Pac Man quickly sneaks off and finds some “old friends” of his. As he heads back to the stage, he can’t help from laughing to himself. That puffball will be sorry he ever entered this eating competition.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. We are about to begin the final stage of the IFOCE Championship! Our final food item is the great American classic, Cheeseburgers!!! Finalists, are you ready? GO!!!!”

As the ceiling opens up to drop the cheeseburgers, Pac Man couldn’t contain it anymore and burst out with a maniacal laugh that was very unbecoming of his stature. A mountain of cheeseburgers drops onto the table in front of him, but not on Kirby’s. Four familiar ghosts floated down from the ceiling instead of the cheeseburgers. This didn’t seem to bother Kirby at all as he watched them glide down to meet him. The ghosts hovered over Kirby with their evil grins and their piercing stare. Kirby just kept on smiling as he usually does. The ghosts made a charge for him but before they knew it they were being sucked in to oblivion.

Pac Man’s eyes grew big as serving plates as his jaw slammed onto the ground like a linebacker making a sack. “HUH?!?!?! You weren’t supposed to do THAT! How? The ghosts were supposed to get you!!”

Pac Man was so puzzled that he didn’t even notice that Kirby was no longer just a pink ball anymore. Upon eating the ghosts, Kirby took on their characteristics and half transforms into a ghost. Kirby took the initiative and lunged towards Pac Man devouring him up before Pac Man could even break out his Power Pellets.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new IFOCE Champion!! KIRBY!!!!”

Kirby jumped to the middle of the stage, cheering with his big dopey smile.

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  • Andrey BRAZIL

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