Declassified Gaming Secrets

While many games are fantastic experiences all by themselves, making use of these recently declassified gaming secrets will give your character or vehicle an advantage previously unavailable to the general public. Kept in secret files inside underground government run gaming labs, these secrets have kept gamers in the dark for years. Through Freedom of Information Act requests and many hours of sifting through redacted documents, I have compiled the following tips that all gamers should find useful.

Faster Travel

This applies to character movement, vehicle travel and other gameplay involving moving from one place to another. The key to faster travel, or what insiders call “direct travel” is – take the shortest path. Take this tip and cut barely perceptible amounts of time off your in game travels. Use this to your advantage to beat competitors to targets and get to the finish line first.

Avoid The Lava

Lava is bad. Reports state that lava can be 1250° Celsius, however it still seems to be fashionable for decorating lairs, certain layers of hell, and the occasional moat. Do to the lack of OSHA jurisdiction in imaginary worlds, there are no hazard signs required to point out that lava is dangerous. Falling into the lava will kill you, so don’t fall into the lava. No, you can’t run though it really fast and survive. Lava is fatal.

Approaching With Haste

Nothing in video games will run up to you to give you a hug, pat you on the back, or hump your leg. If it (player, soldier, zombie, dinosaur, vehicle, giant anything, swarm, plant or combination of any of these) is coming to see you, it has only one purpose; to deliver a quick end to your gaming experience. If you witness such activity, shoot the approaching threat. Sure, you’re going to take out some innocent players, NPCs or the occasional salesman, but hey, better safe than eaten. Better yet if it moves, shoot it.

Run And Gun

The first thing you should try in every game is to just run though as fast as possible shooting everything that gets in the way. This will do one very important thing for you. It will teach you that it will not work. Besides, most all other gamers and NPCs follow the previouslt mentioned “Approaching With Haste” rule. Today’s games are also very smart and learn your tactics. They often send player profiles to one another while you sleep, all the while plotting to take you down in every game you play. Ever play a completely kick-ass game of Halo 3 then get pwnd by that unicorn in Peggle? Now you see it, don’t you.

Size Matters

Always trade up for bigger weapons. If this strategy isn’t working for you, try finding ammo and load the weapon rather than using it for melee combat. The fully automatic long range sniper canon of death beats a brittle stick just about every time.


I found no references to limitation of brutality or firepower. Killing bunnies with Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles is perfectly justifiable. In fact, it’s recommended you hit them twice leaving nothing but scorched earth draped in nuclear winter just to make sure you got them all. You can’t be too careful – the only thing faster than bunnies to repopulate are respawning zombie hordes.


If you die the first time you jump or walk into a body of water, don’t do it again. This may be lava disguised as water (see section on avoiding lava) or maybe your character is allergic to water. Assuming the substance is water, repeated attempts will not teach your character to swim. There may be an apparatus in the game allowing you to survive exposure to the water-lava so put off further attempts of swimming lessons until such a device is acquired.


Non Player Characters are like most profiles on FaceBook and MySpace; they are not real. Feel free to test weapons and information extraction methods on them. If they are important to the game, they’ll be back or will be completely immune to damage. Who knew.


Non character players, or players with no character, not to be confused with non-player characters, will be encountered if there is online play. These are usually eleven year olds talking tough and cussing because their parents use the gaming system to watch their kids. Just mute them and hunt them down like the noobs they are. It also happens that adults, who have never gown out of this poser phase of life, might also show up online. It will be hard to differentiate between the two groups so just them the same way.

Take these tips and use them to conquer your own private little online world. Just remember, with great power comes great…great something. So take that great something and use it for all it’s worth.  Game on.

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  • Brian Heitzenrater (FrehleyzComet)

    Lol. Good read. This reminds me of my Unsung Heroes mini series. You have the same serious approach on a fictional subject.