Batman Vs. James Bond

One is an orphan raised by the government to be the ultimate spy. The other is an orphan raised by his butler who trained himself to be the world’s greatest detective. Both use their wits, gadgets, and tricked out vehicles to thwart the plans of villains across the globe. They both have issues with women, although they handle them completely differently. Together they could be an unbeatable team. As opponents they’ve met their match.

This is Batman vs. James Bond.

Batman vs James Bond

Hot on the trail of international criminal terrorist Ra’s Al Ghul, James Bond finds himself in Gotham City. Driving into the city limits in his silver Aston Martin, Bond takes note of the dreary landscape and wonders how a city can be so foreboding. Bond reaches his destination at Gotham City Police Headquarters and heads inside.

“May I speak to your Commissioner, please?” Bond says.

“I’m the Commissioner”, a voice says, coming from behind Bond.

“I’m looking for the hideout of one Ra’s Al Ghul. Might you have any information on his whereabouts?”

“You’ll have to ask Batman about that one”. Commissioner Gordon says.

“Batman? What kind of city have I stumbled into?”, Bond mutters.

At that moment, Commissioner Gordon signals for someone to hit the switch for the Bat-signal. He escorts Bond to the roof to wait for his longtime friend. A few minutes pass, then out of the shadows appears Batman.

“Who is this?”, Batman growls.

“Bond. James Bond. I’m looking for one Ra’s Al Ghul. I’m told you know his location.”

“What do you want with him?”, Batman hisses.

“I’m actually looking for his daughter, Talia. We have some unfinished business to attend to.”, says Bond with a sly grin.

With this Batman explodes into a rage and lunges at Bond. Bond quickly dodges, grabbing Batman by the cowl and shoving him aside.

“She’s mine!”, Batman bellows.

“She wasn’t yours the other night”, Bond quips.

With that, Batman back flips onto the ledge of the building. Bond pulls out his trusty Walther PPK and begins firing at Batman. Shots ping off Batman’s gauntlets as he starts towards Bond in a furious rage. Realizing his bullets aren’t working, Bond reaches towards his wrist and presses a button on his Rolex. Suddenly Batman screams as 50,000 volts course through his body. He lands on all fours, panting and in pain.

“I thought you might get out of hand so I stuck an electric node to your suit when you attacked me. All I have to do is press this button for another jolt. Now, where is she?”

Batman, never one to go down easy, but not wanting to take another hit of electricity, stands up and looks deep into Bond’s eyes.

“You don’t love her. You don’t understand her. You’re just adding her to your list of conquests.”

Bond, as if smelling victory, says “It’s all part of the job, Batman. Getting close to her gets me close to Ra’s Al Ghul. MI6 isn’t interested in your school boy crush.”

A growl that sounds like it came from the depths of Gotham City itself emits from Batman’s grimacing lips. Quicker than Bond can react, Batman hurls a small batarang, smashing into the Rolex watch rendering it useless. Bond raises his PPK, but Batman knocks it from his hand and off the roof to the street below. Batman pushes Bond back to the edge of the building, forcing him off before grabbing his hand.

“It’s a 10 story drop. Leave her alone or I’ll let you go.”, Batman threatens.

Bond, confident as always, says, “I’ll have her like I have my martinis. Shaken, not stirred.”

With that, Batman lets go. The look of confidence on Bond’s face is replaced with fear as he falls. Batman, as if already racked with guilt, looks away. He waits for the sound of the impact, but it never comes. He quickly looks down towards the street and sees Bond gliding to safety, his Armani suit doubling as parachute.

Batman disappears into the shadows once again. Commissioner Gordon is left standing by the Bat-signal, speechless. Bond hops into his Aston Martin and heads towards the city limits.

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  • Terrible, terrible, horrible piece of work.

    First off Batman wasn’t raised by his Butler to become the world’s greatest detective – he did that by himself as he travelled and trained around the world.

    Bond is wrong also. He was an orphan yes, but he wasn’t “raised” by the British Government. You make him out to be a child soldier, but this just isn’t the case.

    And there’s no way Talia would fall for Bond, her son Damian would break his neck before he got five feet near her!

    And as for the Batman vs Bond idea, the Bat wins hands down always….he’d have known why 007 was looking for Ra’s and what Bond wanted with him….

    Don’t write about what you don’t know son, research, research, research.

  • Gemini ace

    Glad you liked it!

    I can’t wait to post my Batman editorial tomorrow!

  • Brian Heitzenrater (FrehleyzComet)

    Considering this is just fiction, I thought it was entertaining.

  • Tom Pollock

    This is a very good concept. I never would have thought of taking Batman and Bond in the same story. That took imagination. Yes these two are FICTIONAL. Does that mean their lives are stamped in stone? Or can a writer with a open mind change and mold their lives into a interesting story? I hope this short story goes far beyond to a complete story– Movie?