I am the article of Christmas past (that is to say that I wrote this article before Christmas day)
Today’s confession is Suicidal Sims.
It’s such a jolly topic for the holidays isn’t it? When I originally had ideas for this weekly article I just wrote a rather large list and it so happened that this one fell on the 26th. I wasn’t sure if I should keep the date or rearrange it. I debated with myself if it was an acceptable topic for the festive period or not. I asked my friends and we all had a good laugh and a joke about the topic in general so I decided that despite the topic I would post this on the 26th and I hope that you don’t take it too seriously.
I should maybe clarify that when I say suicidal Sims, I don’t mean a sim game on suicide, I mean Sim as in the powerhouse that is The Sims series.
I used to play the Sims when I was younger with my friend; we would spend hours playing the game. He would build a house from scratch, decorate it furnish it and then get bored with it and start on a 2nd house (I think he had interior design aspirations) When he was done, I would create a family and move them into what was usually a multisimollian mansion.
I tried to play by the rules; I tried to keep Jennifer, Steve and Sally happy. Then one day, without warning Steve died, I don’t know how or why but he did. I spent hours making Steve a millionaire, spent hours working on his stats and the game killed him. It wasn’t fair but life usually isn’t. I tried to move on but the game wouldn’t let me. With one of the family dead, the other two wouldn’t stop grieving and as a result they lost their jobs and their happiness level zeroed. The game was messing with me, all my hard work had turned to naught. I decided that I wouldn’t get mad, I would get even.
I started off small at first, I would get a Sim to swim in the pool, and then pause the game and delete all ladders/stairs. This would force the Sim to swim until they fell asleep and drowned. While it got the job done it was a little too easy and didn’t quench my blood lust so I began to think a little more creatively. I sold all the phones in the house, and packed the kitchen with as many objects as I could. The trap was set and all I had to do was wait. It wasn’t long before a fire started and without any phones there was no way to call the fire brigade. It would have destroyed the entire house except one of the neighbours who was passing the lot, saw the fire and rushed to the rescue.
My plan had been thwarted; the game had intervened to protect itself. I knew that if I wanted to succeed I would have to take the entire neighbourhood down. I set up my master plan, I had organised balloons, entertainers, food and a massive indoor swimming pool. All the neighbours came to party and then I struck. First the fire started, with no phones there was no way to call for help, some people tried to help but I had learned from the last time and had made some improvements this fire wouldn’t be stopped. The ones who fled the fire ended up in the pool, and once again I deleted the ladders so they would be stuck.
My master plan was almost complete, the building was burning and Sims were trapped inside. Others were drowning in my indoor pool (which was eventually surrounded by fire itself) If a Sim somehow survived the blaze or the pool I had reserved an even worse fate. In a tribute to Edger Allan Poe, I trapped each remaining sim in a single 1×1 room with no windows or doors and watched as they slowly starved.
I haven’t really played The Sims ever since, it had brought out my inner psychopath and I doubft I was alone in this. All this time people have been concerned about Modern Warfare and other First Person Shooters encouraging violent behaviour and corrupting the youth of the world. Who knew the true threat to humanity was in fact a Will Wright creation.