So it’s a week until Christmas, you still have a ton of shopping to do, and that uber-nerd on your list is always a pain to buy for. Oh have I got you covered (because, really, anything Valve-related is pretty much synonymous with the N word by now). ThinkGeek has been steadily releasing amazing new Portal 2 merchandise over the past couple of weeks, and it’s gotten to a you’re-not-a-true-fan-if-you-don’t-buy-these-things level. I’ll list as many as I can, but, honestly, go to ThinkGeek and search Portal 2 for the full list. Honestly, just go to ThinkGeek. Doctor Who and Star Wars fans especially.
— Aperture Laboratories Shower Curtain ($9.99) — At long last, fans of Aperture Laboratories can put their hands on the product that started it all: military-grade shower curtains. ThinkGeek presents gamers with their very own Aperture Science shower curtain to transform their bathroom into a test chamber.
— Portal Companion Cube Cookie Jar ($29.99) — A replica of the Weighted Companion Cube that makes a prominent appearance as an inanimate, but lovable, puzzle solving device in the original Portal.
— Portal Cookie Cutters ($19.99) — Of course, a cookie jar without cookies is like an empty test chamber in your soul. So fill up your new Companion Cube Cookie Jar with delicious treats inspired by the “warning signs” featured in the game. The Portal Cookie Cutters feature an all metal construction and come in a collectible Companion Cube tin.
— Portal Bookends ($29.99) — 4”x5” solid metal bookends to maintain the vertical orientation your impressive collection of science textbooks. One end shows the Portal test subject icon entering through an orange entry portal, while the other end shows him exiting through a blue exit portal.
— Wheatley LED Flashlight ($19.99) — A 2” tall version of the smart talking Wheatley character, simply push a button, and a super-bright LED flashlight emanates from Wheatley’s “eye” to illuminate your surroundings.
— Portal 2 Plush Turret with Sound ($34.99) — A classic character from Portal video game series, this Turret features motion detection, light, sound and vibration. When sensing motion, the Portal 2 Plush Turret reacts with voice and simulated machine gun fire. To “disable” it, you just tip it over like you would in the game.
— Portal 2 PotatOS Science Kit ($29.99) — Create your own GLaDOS with a PotatOS Science Kit including electronic talking GLaDOS module. You provide the potato and some simple assembly. Even Wheatley could do it.
— Portal Turret LED Flashlight with Sound ($24.99) — Standing just 3” tall, this intricately detailed replica of the Turret enemies will light your way with a red LED beam, emanating from the Turret’s eye. With a push of the button on the side, you can hear the turret talk, just like in the game.
— Portal 2 Cave Johnson Talking Portrait ($39.99) — The most amazing man ever, Cave Johnson, founder of Aperture, repeats his famous motivational quotes from Portal 2. Suitable decoration for any room or test chamber in your home.
— Portal 2 Warning Sign Coasters ($19.99) — A set of 8 ceramic coasters emblazoned with test chamber warning signs from the innards of Aperture Science help protect your furniture from hideous burninator accidents. Also: icky condensation on your favorite beverages.
— Portal 2 Aperture iPad Sleeve ($29.99) — Designed to match the hue and aesthetic look of Chell’s orange jumpsuit from the game, this iPad sleeve is perfect when taking your precious Apple product on the road. Or, you know, to help out on those tricky testing challenges. It’s not “cheating”, it’s “assisting.” Just don’t tell GLaDOS.
I can give a first hand account of the pure awesome that exudes from the Turret Plush and Cookie Jar, and am guilty of not-too-subtly hinting to my mother the numerous reasons I need the Science Kit for Christmas. Sadly, some of these are out of stock until the New Year (and beyond), but if you’re shopping for a true Portal fan, I can attest that anything on that list will more than suffice. And, yes, you can still ship for Christmas (with increasing degrees of shipping charges, of course) with the UPS Ground option (around $8 and must be completed before certain dates) all the way to UPS Next Day for $21. So get going, already! Those Companion Cube cookie jars aren’t going to buy themselves!