I, uh, don’t really know how to put this, but there’s a new Shaquille O’Neal video game out. Sure, this was announced back in December, but now it’s really real. It’s been almost 19 years since the release of his last interactive entertainment endeavor with the fighting game classic Shaq Fu, but that changes today with ShaqDown, a combat runner game à la Punch Quest, for iOS and Android devices from developer Hiptic Games and publisher One Spear Entertainment (who, apparently, has sole rights to Shaq’s digital entity and is majority-owned by the big man himself).
Shaq—the same Shaq that has pumped out four(!) rap albums and played a boombox-bound genie in Kazaam—is a mysterious figure known as little more than a legend and a moniker: the Justice Bringer. And only the Justice Bringer is able to save this post-apocalyptic Earth, a land ruined by a zombie virus that creates a new sentient breed of the undead hell-bent on enslaving mankind.
Like, this is ridiculous, right? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here. First we have the revival of Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden and now this? Is this the new modern military FPS? Maybe I’m being too…I don’t know, hard on the game. For all I know, this could be an interactive retelling of the real future where Shaq actually hails from. Maybe he’s trying to tell us something, and maybe we aren’t listening.
I mean, that would explain how his jump shot is ostensibly his most powerful attack, right? Going hermit in the desert would definitely give Shaq enough time to finally hone that skill, though that still doesn’t account for the fact that his free throw manages to hit anything. Like, anything.