This seems... familiar...

According to an article on 1Up.com, Dusty Monk, an Ensemble developer, said that the long ago canceled Halo MMO could have been a game to finally dethrone World of Warcraft from its evil throne of evil as king of the MMORPG’s. I have but two words in response to this:

My ass.

I don’t care that it had a $90 million budget, it wasn’t going to kill WoW. In fact, even if Jesus wrote the code, Chuck Norris was the Lead Designer, and Quentin Tarantino directed the cutscenes; it would have been a Halo MMO. Do you understand the full implications of that? Imagine all the social awkwardness of MMO gamers with all the anger of Halo gamers, all rolled up into one massively multiplayer 13-year-old ragefest. The billions of “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU” chat messages would crush the servers in under a nanosecond, leaving the Halo gamers to do what they do best: complain about the game they love so much.

Besides, every new MMO that comes out is at some time or another labeled a WoW Killer, much like every new smartphone is labeled an iPhone Killer. It doesn’t matter if the game centers around a battle between mice and cats to capture Cheese Island, featuring only two character classes each of which require 80 hours of ceaseless grinding just to reach level 2, and not an instance in sight. Someone will call this game a WoW Killer. I guarantee it.

Maybe people should start focusing on making their MMO’s original and fun, rather than pumping out WoW clones what seems fortnightly; all they do is take an existing fictional universe (Conan, Warhammer 40k, Star Trek, Star Wars, the list goes on…), give the WoW system a tweak or two, then market as a totally new experience. Thank you, gaming industry, for flooding the market with crap. It’s comforting to know that no matter how much upheaval and change goes on throughout the world, the games industry will remain solid as a rock when it comes to making crummy online games.

I make this claim not about individual people, but about our society as a whole. Americans, as a rule, are overweight and growing, primarily the younger generations, and ‘exercise’ seems as foreign a word as Backpfeifengesicht (no joke, a German word roughly meaning ‘a face badly in need of a fist’. Gotta love the Germans).

But no group needs, or at least is stereotyped as needing, a jog or twelve around the block as the Gamers. The people who obsess over getting their WoW character that extra level, who spend countless hours running around in the grass trying to find that rare Pokemon, or (God help us all) who insist that their Second Life is more real than their actual life, are the same people you see crowding the tables at a McDonald’s, shoveling fries hand over fist into their greedy mouths.

Of course, this is a very broad generalization, but in my experience, it is often true. Because of this negative image, more and more game developers are designing games to try and get their greasy, obese consumers to occasionally break a sweat, and maybe even burn off a calorie or two. Leading the way in this endeavor is the gaming giant Nintendo. With the introduction of the Wii and its motion control system, the chance arose for Nintendo to take advantage of its novel control scheme to introduce physical fitness to gaming.

This was not, however, Nintendo’s first leap into what I call ‘self-improvement gaming’. One of the early titles out for Nintendo’s hand-held system the Nintendo DS was a game called Brain Age. The game focused on improving brain function over time, using a series of tests and mental exercises carried out daily. The game did well and spawned several sequels, so it was obvious people were willing to spend money on self-improvement through video games.

The popularity of basic games on the Wii, such as Wii Sports, which was included free with the Wii and consisted of several simple games based on swinging the Wii Remote, showed again that people were willing to pay good money for a game that would motivate them to do what they could do without a fancy video game system, and Nintendo has since cashed in on this fact.

Over the years, the Wii has leaned further and further towards the fit side of the force. Games and new peripherals such as the Balance Board, resistance bands, heart-rate monitors, and even weights now clutter many a family’s living rooms, even when the actual ability of the games to help you lose weight is disputed. And now, then next stage of video game fitness is upon us.

Nintendo recently announced that a pedometer will be included with copies of the Pokemon games Heart Gold and Soul Silver. Called the “Pokemeter”, the device will count how many steps you take while wearing it and when hooked up to the game, will unlock new areas and give the player special rewards. The ‘fit’ games are now being forced into regular video games, and onto people who have no interest in combining physical activity and their hours long Pokemon binges.

Now I will admit we all could use a bit of exercise, but now Nintendo is forcing us to exercise in regular games?

This displeases me.

If I really want to subject myself to the horror of a video game exercise system, I’ll go and buy one. If I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, to catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause, I’ll play a Pokemon game. And never the twain shall meet. How long before we see a Super Smash Bros. where we have to complete a biathlon to execute a smash attack? How about a Mario game requiring you to raise your heart rate, or a Zelda game asking you to lower your blood pressure?

Now get out there and exercise, you gelatinous tub of lard.

So I’m sitting down to continue my replay of Mass Effect, and I get that sudden, unexplainable urge to not. I just cannot summon the energy to hit the “Play Game” button. But I’m already on the couch, and the controller is in my hands. I have to do something.

After a half-hour period of staring lackadaisically into the screen, thinking deep thoughts, I rouse myself from my stupor and flip to the demos section of the Xbox Game Marketplace. I browse about a bit, and finally settle on Dante’s Inferno. Why? Probably because as one of the 5 gamers who have actually read the piece the game is based on (thank you, Amazon Kindle), I had a burning curiosity as to how anyone could turn a daunting piece of medieval (it took me 5 tries to spell that word, even with spell check. Welcome to the English Language.) literature  into an action-adventure game. Plus, the size of the demo allowed me to practiced my dazed expression for a couple more minutes.

Fairly soon though, the download is finished, and I boot up the game. The opening shot of the game shows a man, sitting at a campfire, gritting his teeth in pain as he sews a cloth cross into his chest.

Wait… what?

The game proceeds to show me an extremely badass animated sequence, involving the capture and slaughter of hundreds of innocents by Europeans during the Third Crusade, in an attempt to piss of Saladin, or something.

I am then dropped into the shoes of Dante, a crusader with a pointy stick who seems to hate swarthy people, based on the number of them he proceeds to kill. And in true action-adventure form, somehow scares gravity away when he attacks in the air.

The combat at this point is fairly standard, mostly a button mash fiesta hearkening back to my days in front of a Sega Genesis, trying to figure out how I got the Green Ranger to fire his gun. There are two kinds of attack, standard and hard, or some other usual naming convention reading as “Kill it” and “Kill it WITH FIRE”. As far as I can tell, there is no real combo system in this game, your options are hit a button once, or hit the button as fast as you can humanly muster. No in-betweens or difficulty.

I am rushed by nearly 50 vanilla Arabs, and I destroy them all with no effort. So pretty much Ninety-Nine Nights with all the fun castrated off.

But then some dude stabs be in the back, and I think, “Wow. That was one short demo, for one lame game.”

But then everything got AWESOME.

A giant skeletal dude (who, based on his attire, appears to be a Pirates of the Caribbean enthusiast) claiming to be Death appears, and tells Dante that he’s been a bad boy, and is going to hell. Dante refuses to go. I had no idea it was that easy to not die. He must have attended the Hob Gadling School for Being Immortal (I’m sorry, is my Sandman fanaticism showing?).

Apparently, it is not that easy, so Dante beats the crap out of, then kills, Death. Logic weeps. Then Dante picks up Deaths uber-badass scythe, made of bone, that can also turn into a spear.

Do y'see what I mean about the pirate outfit?

Apparently, the further the game gets from the original story, the more absolutely fantastic it gets.

It is at this point that the chest-sewing incident occurs, and Dante, now for some reason shirtless, rides home to Italy to be reunited with his true love. Except that when he shows up, her dad is dead, and she is also dead, and I assume (based on the torn clothing) raped. And this is when things get really interesting.

Nipples.

Now, maybe I’m out of date and not keeping up with all the latest games, but when did the M rating transition from side-boobs to full boobs, with all their nipple-y goodness? When was the party, and why was I not invited? I had heard that Dante’s Inferno had demon boobage, but I assumed they would be oddly colored, creepy, nipple-less flesh bags that more represent the idea or theme of boobs, rather then (pardon the pun) fully fleshed funbags.

Very careful hand placement meets boobs the size of a large man.

Based on the age old equation, Sex x Violence + The Urfenguptur Constant = Buckets of Cash, Dante’s Inferno can expect to be very successful. Except that it comes out on the same day as Bioshock 2. That was just poor planning.

Anyway, the bare-chested wonder comes to life, says some cryptic crap about how He wants her or has her, or something to that effect (you have to remember, there were BOOBS onscreen. At that point, looking beats listening), she gets pulled away by some evil force. Then skeletons rise out of the conveniently placed graveyard you are in, and you proceed to beat the death out of them.

Dante hikes it over to a church, where you again find Miss Nipples, this time totally bare on an altar. No, they didn’t go full frontal, and you can trust me, I made a thorough investigation. She says more stuff I was too busy to hear, then I get some backstory in the form of another animated flashback. From this, I learned three things. 1) Dante tapped that, because she trusted him to remain faithful to her, 2) Church leaders who promise absolution have far too many pointy teeth, and appear very evil, and 3)Dante is a cheating bastard, and Naked McNudeypants is very pissed.

The chick disappears again, but now, I have the ability to use her cross to kill demons by projecting crosses at them, Kung-Fu Hustle style. Which is good, because at that very moment, the church half collapses, revealing that a pit to hell has opened up around it, and demons start attacking. I also gain the option to either punish or absolve demons and souls. Punishing them means ripping them to shreds, and absolving involves putting the cross very close to their face, and screaming “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” until they poof into a happy white soul and float away. Punishing and absolving get you Unholy and Holy points, each of which allow you to level up skills and spells in separate skill trees.

I need an old priest, and a young priest.

As Dante descends into the pit (or should I say the Pit?), he encounters a plethora of enemies to use his new-found abilities on. I hack and slash my way through the hordes, and eventually encounter a  minotaur-looking guy that wants to use my skin as a lovely kilt. Or at least, that’s what I got out of his grunts and roars. I whup him good, and am approached by the ghost of the poet Virgil.

At last, something that actually happened in the centuries-old story!

After talking to him about how the girlfriend (who I now remember to be named Beatrice) sent him to guide Dante, he is attacked by an enormous ham-fisted giant, ridden by one of the minotaurs like Marcus Fenix riding a Brumak. Using one of those “hit the buttons as shown on screen at the right time” minigames that I cannot quite remember the name of right now, you climb up the giant, kill the rider, then jam your scythe into the giants skull. Which somehow lets you control him.

It’s cool enough that I’ll just let this one slide.

You then use the giant to squish many more minotaurs, then break open the door to hell, ending the demo.

On a scale of “One” to “Hell Yeah”, I give this demo a “Badass”.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. NASA, making an MMO. This may be the most unholy alliance in the history of science. It will be an abomination, and must be purged from this earth. Also, it is quite a silly idea. You may also equate this unusual cross of science and gaming to be somewhat akin to crossing literature with a banana. It simply does not make sense.

WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!

I know this because that is exactly what I thought upon hearing this outrageous news. However, upon further thought, I realized that this has the potential to be freaking awesome. It’s like if Carl Sagan worked for Blizzard, or Stephan Hawking decided to fact check Mass Effect’s science… or if EVE Online were any good. Sadly, none of these things have ever occurred, so my PC has felt the severe lack of any realistic space simulator.

This game, if done right, could bridge two aspects of my life I never thought would cross. I can now geek out over space stuff while I geek out over a new game. I will become so geeky, I might as well buy a pocket protector, thick-rimmed glasses, and learn Vector Calculus. In fact, the MMO, titled Astronaut: Mars, Moon, and Beyond, might actually be able to help me out with that last bit.

Okay, it’s not going to teach me Vector Calculus, but one of the goals of the game is to promote careers in STEM, or science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. In fact, according to 1up.com, “NASA intends to allow it to actually offer course accreditation to players.” So essentially, the game allows you to play around with different NASA related career paths, and can even get you started on those career paths by offering college credit. College credit for playing a video game.

As to the game itself, it will be set in 2035, when NASA believes that humans will be exploring and settling other planets. Judging by the screen shots, the player will be put in the shoes of an Astronaut, free to explore several heavenly bodies. And you can stop your heavy breathing, because I was talking about planets, not sexy space chicks (although if NASA is predicting scantily-clad humanoid female aliens, sign me up for space camp under the name “James T. Kirk”).

No real word on the release, other then a vague early 2010 date. We also know that the game is being developed using the Unreal Engine. Check out the screen shots below.

So to whet your (and my) appetite, here’s a couple of screenshots.

I know, right? It’s like a win sandwich with awesome sauce and a pickle.

]]> http://www.platformnation.com/2009/12/19/new-mass-effect-2-screens-just-keep-getting-better/feed/ 1 http://www.platformnation.com/2009/12/15/red-dead-redemption-new-gameplay-trailer-looks-great/ http://www.platformnation.com/2009/12/15/red-dead-redemption-new-gameplay-trailer-looks-great/#comments Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:06:25 +0000 Scott Bullock http://www.platformnation.com/?p=20912

Holy hell in a hand basket. This looks fricken awesome. If they could just have Clint Eastwood doing the voice of the main character, it could be the greatest western game ever made. As it is, there appears to be a minigame based off the classic sharp-implement-between-the-fingers game, which ups the awesome level exponentially.

Not only that, but it’s an open world game made by Rockstar. That’s like  Bioware making an RPG, or Valve doing, well, pretty much anything. It is a great company, doing what they do best. Let’s hope they live up to the reputation.

Some of the worst offenders are characters. Nothing ruins a game faster then one or two characters that you want to disembowel with a soup strainer because of their high-pitched voice, constant whining, repetitive catchphrases, or just plain jackassery. And so I present to you the first part of Things that Ruin Games, the most gun-in-the-mouth-annoying video game characters, fit for nothing but to dwell in the back of our collective consciousness for the remainder of eternity, to act as both punishment and reminder of our gaming sins.

10. Bemused Bystander- This one is more of an annoying type of character that exists throughout many games, especially open world sandbox games. Have you ever had a friend or family member that never got new material? Who insists on repeating themselves ad infinitum, ad nauseam, and ad something-else-um, and still believes that what they have to say is important? Of course you have; we all have. Now, multiply that guy by 200 and condense him to 20 hours. Welcome to the world of the Bemused Bystander, the nameless NPC wandering the streets of wherever, and who always has a witty comment about your actions, be they scaling a wall or simply walking by. These little quips are often quite amusing at first. Then you hear them say it for the 5478th time , and you start killing random civilians. Because for some reason, everyone in the city knows the exact same two sentence speech about the inappropriateness of your actions. Please, game developers, either add more speeches, or allow an option that will turn them the hell off.

9. Sonic The Hedgehog- Back in the day, you could never have convinced me that I would come to hate Sonic.

Nowadays, you have to convince me not to.

It’s not so much that Sonic himself is annoying, unlike his “gifted” partner Tails, but the fact that every Sonic game released is worse then the last one. This is a character that is not, in essence, annoying, but whose continued existence allows for more and more annoying games to be, well, I won’t say that these games are made, as that implies a certain level of work went into creating these pieces of crap. Instead, I will say that they congealed, a far more appropriate term, if I do say so myself.

8. Minstrels- Fine, fine. So they don’t come anywhere near ruining Assassin’s creed II, but they are still freaking annoying. If I wanted to hear a song, I would turn on my Zune (ACTIVATE SHAMELESS MICROSOFT FANBOY POWERS) and listen to Bon Jovi. Hell, if I wanted to hear a crappy song, I could turn on my little sister’s Zune and listen to Avril Lavigne. I have no want or need of you, you Peter Pan looking pansies. The only reason that the Minstrels beat out Beggars from the first game is that killing the Beggars had no real negative effect, while killing Minstrels nets you Notoriety. I don’t understand why. I think of it as a service to society.

7. Hannah Montana- She is Hannah Montana. She is in a video game. ‘Nuff said.

Kaim Argonar- Protagonist of Lost Odyssey. Note the flowing hair, angular features, and belly-shirt.

6. Males in Japanese games- This counts for pretty much everyone in every Final Fantasy game or other JRPGs. I have this one thing to say to every Japanese game designer: Pick a gender. If your character is a guy, especially one that is supposed to be particularly badass, then either make him look like a badass guy or explain why such a badass guy looks like a 14 year old girl (I’m looking at you, Lost Odyssey). And don’t try and tell me that you don’t know how to draw masculine men; I have seen you do it. The problem is, you guys pretty much reserve manliness for the bad guys. Hulking, armored, Dark Lords of Nagaga or The Gitsuterubi of Shubidubi or some other nonsense word-laden title. And yes, I’m aware that muscley square-jawedness isn’t the only kind of manly, you can also have the badass thief or trickster or rogue or whatnot, one who is either A) Mysterious and brooding or B) Sarcastic a-hole. I’ve seen this character often enough, as well. I’ll just leave this with; Androgyny does not equal awesome.

5. Pikachu- Goddamn piss colored rat. Granted, Yellow is probably the wort Pokemon game of all time, but nothing killed that game more then Pikachu. “Pika! Pika!” JUST STFU AND GET BACK IN YOUR BALL! Why did the developers insist on making that electrified squeak-toy follow you around? What was the point? Maybe they just wanted to create a scapegoat game.

“Wow, that Pokemon game sucked!”

“Yeah, but remember Yellow? Remember the Pikachu? Things could have been much worse.”

“Too true, too true…”

And do you know what the worst part is? That obnoxious Rodent/Duracell became the spokesman for the whole franchise. Wait, maybe not spokesman. Spokesthing? Spokescreature? Wait, no, it’s too perfect… SPOKMéON?

4. Anyone with your phone number from GTA IV- In real life, sometimes your friends call you. In real life, if you don’t answer your phone when they call, your friends will start to like you less. In real life, your phone can ring off the hook some days. In real life, we play video games to get the hell away from real life and run over pedestrians in a Porsche on a crowded sidewalk in the middle of a major city without getting calls from increasingly obnoxious friends who always have the same conversation and always need a ride, the lazy bums.

Remember when these graphics were mind-blowingly awesome?

3. Natalya- Now, I’m not going to say that every computer programmer is smart. In fact, my theory is that the better a programmer is, the dumber they are at everything else. Many of them likely cannot do anything other then program, and end up seeming fingerpaintingly retarded in every part of their life that does not involve a computer, an IDE, and several Hot Pockets. But even the most single-minded codemonkey knows that when James Bond is shooting, it is wise to avoid the area between him and whatever he is shooting at, especially if those things are shooting back. Natalya is apparently the single greatest programmer in the world, because this is exactly what she does on many, many occasions. To this day, I cannot play Goldeneye, simply because I know I will likely spend hours on only a few levels where Natalya DIES, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

2. Mr. Resetti- I understand that turning off the system without saving is bad, and I understand that you are upset, but if you don’t stop talking, I’m going to put that pick axe through your eye. Do we have an understanding? Because not only will I kill you, but I will follow your tunnel back to your little mole family, and I will introduce to them a world of pain that they do not know exists. Then I will personally hunt down any person that you ever loved, and slowly flay them with a rolling pin. Now get yourself back down your hole before I throw this game against a wall.

1. Navi- “HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN! HEY, LISTEN!”

Now if only there was something we could do to ease our collective rage at these horrible characters, something completely deserving of their painfully annoying ways. Alas, these punishments are reserved for our dreams…

You could crush a baby seal with this thing.

Then the Lite came out. “Well, the DS is kinda huge, and brighter backlighting never hurt anyone. I guess I should buy that.” And I bought it, and all was, well, good enough.

Then the DSi came out, and it had a camera. After it had been out several months, I gave in. “Well, it has a camera, and… er… screw it. Might as well.” So I bought it. And all was kinda sorta lame.

Now, only a few months after I bought the DSi, I get wind of the DS XL.

Okay, now I’m pissed.

So let me get this straight. It’s bigger and….

Wait, that’s it?

That’s all? It’s bigger? It has a bigger case, bigger screen, and bigger pen, and this merits being it’s own handheld? I could see releasing this as new hardware if it also came with 3G, a taser, and games I could enjoy without either being senile or 5 years old, but apparently Nintendo thinks so little of us that they believe releasing new hardware and saying, “Hey look! Something new that Nintendo made! It’s an improvement! Honest!” will make us spasm at the thought of buying a DS XL. I am certain that the only reason this travesty is being released is that Nintendo is relying on it’s loyal fanbase to buy anything and everything they release. Another release = another influx of cash, no matter how worthless the release.

Nintendo’s Legion of Fanboys will buy anything Nintendo.

I mean, the whole point of the DS Lite was that it was smaller then the gargantuan DS. However, it also had a screen size upgrade and a screen brightness upgrade, and the sheer awkwardness of the brick-like DS made a smaller version very attractive. This new one is bigger then the original DS. That is beyond coming full circle. That’s more like shooting the circle in the face and coming full panda. I am beginning to fear the for the future of Nintendo’s handheld system. Are they just going to get bigger? Will they ever make an actual improvement in screen resolution or picture quality, maybe something to rival the PSP? Or maybe a new feature, like streaming movies from Netflix (because you could TOTALLY pull that off with today’s 3G network…) or something like that? Or will they simply increase in screen size until you might as well be hauling around a laptop?

This thing will eat your children.

Honestly, if this trend doesn’t change, I am going to have to do something I never thought I would do. Being an Xbox fanboy, me and everything PlayStation haven’t gotten along since the PS1. But I might actually move to the PSP, with better graphics, more games marketed towards people who play something other then casual games, and homebrew goodies, I feel that I would get more out of Half Minute Hero and Little Big Planet then I do out of Diner Dash and the laughably gimmicky Scriblenauts.

Nintendo claims it has a reason for this money-grubbing hardware “upgrade.” Apparently, this size bump is for old people, who’s knobbly, arthritic phalanges are too weak and useless to grasp a normal stylus or DS, and who’s glaucoma-ridden eyes can’t make out the cartoonish figures on the screen unless the screen is inflated like a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Y’know what, no. Nintendo is not going to release a whole new DS just for the elderly. That is nowhere near a large enough market. I call BS on this. I’m sorry Nintendo, but fail. FAIL HARD.

I wonder how big DS’s will get?